


Break Through All of My Confusion

by ivanolix



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Canon - TV, Developing Relationship, F/M, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-07
Updated: 2009-05-07
Packaged: 2017-10-08 23:11:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/80474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivanolix/pseuds/ivanolix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Daniel pushes far enough, Vala calls him on the delusion. Unending redux.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break Through All of My Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> Written for The Oven on Gateworld. Though I'm mostly fine with "The Scene" from 'Unending', many Fruitcakes aren't, and this is for them (and also for the side of me that found it a little over the top). This could either be an AU for 'Unending', or happen canonically after the episode as things repeat themselves to some extent. I don't know if it's my personal canon or not—beware, this got a little mushy.

Vala had expressed to him that she was sure the ship was doing this on purpose. Yes, Daniel concluded, the time dilation was getting to all of them. And maybe the ship was too. He didn’t know anymore, after almost three months of unintentional instruction in exactly what life on the Odyssey was like.

But he could behave as if he didn’t feel desperation, and drown himself in Ancient lore. After Sam approached him, worried about Vala who had apparently disappeared, he remembered that not everyone had that option.

The ship honestly wasn’t that big, when it came down to it. It didn’t take Daniel too long to find her, but he started to worry once he did. She was at a control panel, striking keys with more force than necessary, the bags beneath her eyes only adding to the wild desperation that he saw in her look.

“Hey,” he said as an opening.

She jumped a little, because he had broken the silence, but barely glanced at him. “Yes, Daniel?” Her voice showed no curiosity—she just wanted him to finish whatever he had to say.

Well, that wasn’t why he was there. The question was just an opener. “What are you doing?”

“Looking,” she said, eyes still on the screen as she kept pressing buttons. Daniel didn’t understand what was on the screen, but she had always known more about ships and their schematics than him. “I’m going to go mad alone,” she added, a desperate laugh trying to lighten the words, and she didn’t look at him as she said it.

Daniel felt a little guilty. “Hey,” he said sympathetically. “You know, we’re all here for you.”

He wasn’t expecting her to turn from the screen just then, look him in the eye with the rawest desperation he’d ever seen in her look. “No, Daniel, you’re not, and sometimes I forget that.”

Her words stunned him. In the second where he was without words, she turned back to the computer screen. “Vala, what happened?” he asked, stepping closer to her, realizing that there was something more behind those words. He had barely an idea what it could be, but he was worried. “What’s going on?”

She stopped what she was doing, but wasn’t ready to spill just yet. Her eyes shifted, not quite looking at him, and he could see her tongue rolling behind her teeth, not wanting to speak. The pressure wasn’t helping.

Daniel sighed. Why couldn’t she just be clear? “Vala, do you ever think you might be sabotaging yourself by not being honest?”

“Maybe I just think it’s hopeless,” she said in a low tone. Daniel was surprised again, but she didn’t take the opportunity to turn away. She laughed awkwardly. “I’ve given up everything I ever had.”

They hadn’t spoken about her position in the SGC in a while, and Daniel didn’t know exactly what she thought of it. Or what he thought of it, for that matter. He realized he’d been a terrible listener.

Vala continued, her voice choked up but her words firm. “I’ve worked for you against my judgment, because I thought you meant it when you said I could be more, and I’ve been loyal and I’ve been honest—and you just look at me like it’s all a game underneath.” Her gaze had gone from shifty to direct, straight into his eyes, and he realized she wasn’t talking about ‘you’ in the plural sense anymore.

“A game,” she repeated. Her eyes were clouded with emotion, and the strength she tried to gather to herself was brittle in them.

Daniel heard the words, and they pierced through his over-thinking and hit him straight in the heart. Because he couldn’t immediately protest, say that she was mistaken. Did he think she was playing them still? After everything? Did he profess his faith in her but refrain from changing his underlying opinion? Maybe. Yes. He had to admit it to himself, but he couldn’t bear to admit it to her.

She shook her head slightly as he stood, not speaking. He saw a tear in the corner of her eyes, now downturned as she gathered herself again. She didn’t need his answer, because she thought she knew it. And she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want him if that was his answer to her.

And Daniel realized it scared him, to think that he was hurting her, and that her disappointment in him could hurt him this much. She thought she’d lost his support, and all he wanted to do was jump in and show her otherwise. But he didn’t know how. He didn’t know what was appropriate. He’d just assumed before that she didn’t need it, that she was working on her own, for her own benefit somehow. She hadn’t been wrong with her guess about that part of his thoughts.

But if she wasn’t. If she had left that behind, if she’d been offering her true self. If she needed their support. If she needed his support, had been looking for it as more than a friend. Then all that frustration had no place. All that he wanted to give to her, but had been afraid would be made into a joke—

“Vala,” he murmured, only a few seconds passing outside the rapid thoughts in his head.

She looked back up at him, braced for what might come. And he recalled all the defensive things he’d said in response to what he thought were just ploys, and felt guilt. Deep guilt. Guilt that he couldn’t express in words.

But if he knew one thing about Vala, it was that words weren’t a priority. And so, his heart breaking for the pain he’d caused, he stepped forward and reached a hand up to cup her cheek. The only mistake he could repair in the moment was to stop the denial.

So he leaned in, and pressed a gentle kiss on her lips. She didn’t pull back, and he reached up his other hand to hold her face. Her tears spilled on his cheek, and his thumbs caressed her soft skin as he poured all the love he had for her into this one kiss. And how easy it was to call it love, not just care and worry, once he knew that he wasn’t giving it to a facade. He loved Vala. The real Vala. And he felt no desire to deny it.

It was still a gentle kiss, though, and after a minute he broke away to take a breath. Her tears still lay on his face, and as he opened his eyes, he saw more in hers.

“Is that supposed to be an apology?” she said, half whispering through the choking in her voice. By letting him this far, she had exposed everything to him.

“I don’t know how else to say it; there aren’t enough words,” he admitted. “But I love you, and—”

She cut off his words, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him fiercely down. He could feel the relieved smile on her lips as she kissed him, wildly, maybe making sure that he wasn’t something her weary mind had conjured. And he was glad not to be that. He wrapped one arm around her waist, twining his other hand in her hair, opening everything to her and knowing now that it was safe. Their hearts were naked in that hallway, but it was all Daniel could have hoped for.

And for the first time in almost three months, he realized that he wanted more time.


End file.
